Breaking the Silence: Why difficult conversations freak us out?
Imagine this - your direct report smokes a lot, and it’s a tiny office (a true story from my coaching client Rachel).
They’re lovely, supportive, collaborative – they backed you up when a client started screaming down the phone – and you sense check each other’s emails every single day. Plus, they bring cake!
But the smoking is driving you nuts. Whenever they return to the office it stinks up big time. They’re a heavy smoking and it’s been going on a year. You tried to bring it up without mentioning it directly – but nothing changed.
The stink is making you sick - and it is a really small office. So how do you speak up – especially when you really like the person and you need to work closely together forever after? You’re afraid of the blowback.
Feedback is a smoke coming from someone not afraid to blow.
To add to this, you both applied for your current role, and you got it. They recovered from missing out, but you’re scared of unearthing their vitriol.
Rachel was so afraid of talking to them, that she asked me to coach her.
It’s not about smoking – it’s about the shared space, which is small (and stinky).
It’s about respecting your own needs in balance with others’ free choice.
If Rachel speaks up - she is very likely to get blowback. It might destroy the relationship (hasn’t Rachel given the other person a lot of power?)
If she doesn’t speak up, what kind of messages is Rachel giving herself – continually neglecting your own needs will undermine your self-confidence over time.
I advised Rachel that challenging conversations ARE hard because we conflate giving feedback with judgement.
Feedback is telling someone the effect of their actions (on you/the team/the organisation).
Judgement is saying that somebody’s behaviour is “good’ or “bad”. They are not the same thing.
We find it hard because we’re generally not taught how to give feedback well. We don’t want the other person to feel bad, so we don’t say anything at all.
We struggle because we:
conflate feedback with judgement
don’t know how to do it really respectfully
believe that we are responsible for the other person’s feelings.
The fix is simple but also difficult.
I gave Rachel a script to use and helped her practise, along with some prompts to shift her thinking:
Your only job is to speak respectfully - how the other person responds is up to them.
Feedback is good and appropriate. Judgement is not. Use kind, non-judgement language.
Accept that you may get some blowback. That doesn’t mean you’ve done the wrong thing.
If you don’t do that – where does it end? When else will you not speak up for your truth?
And, the hidden gem of doing this is that you will deepen trust – which is absolutely invaluable in the workplace.
Rachel had the conversation.
It was sticky and upsetting to start. But now they’re recovered - and both Rachel and her colleague have a newfound respect for each other while addressing the issue of the smoke smell.
Most importantly, Rachel was able to back herself. And that is a skill that is now having a ripple effect of positive benefits, extending to her other colleagues, friends, and family.
Is it a hard conversation that stops you backing yourself?
When will you speak up?
What is the compounding cost if you don’t?
It doesn't have to be that way.
Get in touch if you’d like to make hard conversations easier: cris@crispopp.com/ }
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