Oopsy! How to get calm and stay free from reactivity
Last week I connected with someone on LinkedIn who I haven't seen for many years. We’d work together previously and I always had good memories of them.
They asked me how I was. I responded that it had been hard for the last couple of years - I’d branched out into a new area that hadn’t worked, my father had died.
They sent back a lovely message of support. Really lovely. In fact it was so nice, so unexpected and so quick I assumed it had been written by their AI! I said as much i.e. “thanks your message but you don't need to use an AI”
They said “I don’t know what you’re talking about - I’m not using AI”
The most unexpected statements are the ones we are silenced from speaking.
Ooopssy
Turns out I was WRONG. They were offended. Big egg on my face. Potential friendship terminated.
I read into it too quickly and presumed the worst.
As you might have guess I’m a bit anxious and impulsive. The modelling in my family as I grew up was:
assume the worst
attack is the best form of defence
That sort of approach doesn't work in a corporate setting (any setting really).
But in the moment of reacting I:
fuse with my feelings (usually defensiveness, fear or anger)
believe my feelings are providing accurate information
react without regard to the consequences
In this case I wanted to rekindled an old acquaintance (well I potentially derailed that).
If I started with the end in mind I might have: responded with thanks and gathered further information before jumping to the conclusions that: They don't really care/they're not even at the other end of this message/they’re just using an AI to respond.
The worst moments in your life are when you have been reactive
Everyone has these kinds of moments.
If you look back on your life, you'll find that the things you're most embarrassed or ashamed about have usually been the result of a reaction or emotion not thought through. Remember the calmest person wins.
How to stop being reactive
How do you stop it? It’s a simple, but not easy:
reduce the overreaction
own your mistakes
You want to move from reaction to response. Every leader needs to master this if they’re going to garner the respect of their team.
One way to do that is to sit in your discomfort. (My facilitation trainers called this “sitting in the fire”). You’ve got to allow yourself to feel agitation (usually termed ‘arousal’) and calm yourself down.
Simple, but not easy.
Why is this a useful skill?
It means that when you face a trigger - an irritating team member; someone who hasn’t delivered on the deadline and now you’re left with the to work over the weekend;, the kids skate boards lying around; someone parking across the driveway etc. you have had practice regulating yourself.
The Calmest Person Wins
Get better at being uncomfortable in the moment. Don’t react from a place of fear anxiety.
The trick is being able to do it in the moment.
How good are you at “talking yourself down”? How good are you at staying calm in stressful situations? Practice.
And if it’s important to you - get yourself on the <advance notice list> for my upcoming program “The Calmest Person Wins: handling difficult conversations and challenging personalities without losing your s***”
#EmotionalIntelligence #CalmestPersonWins #Resilience #CrisPopp