When 'I' statements fail: The dark side of communication skills

For decades, communication experts (myself included) have advocated using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. The logic seems sound enough:

"You never listen" sounds accusatory and will likely trigger defensiveness.

"I feel unheard" keeps the focus on your experience rather than attacking the other person.

But here's what happens in practice: we've created a generation of people who simply stick "I feel" in front of their accusations, as if that magical prefix makes everything better.

It doesn't.

The disguise game: evaluations masquerading as feelings

Here's the tricky part. True "I" statements, when used properly, express your own observations and needs without imposing judgments on others. They create clarity and potential for connection.

Fake "I" statements are just judgments wearing clever disguises.

Let me break this down:

Actual emotions are single words or simple phrases: angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, worried, anxious, hopeful, excited, etc.

Disguised judgments typically follow patterns like:

• "I feel like you..."

• "I feel that..."

• "I feel as if..."

For example: "I feel ignored" isn't actually a feeling – it's your evaluation of someone else's behavior. "I feel sad when I don't get a response" names the actual emotion – sadness

We speak through the same wires, but carry different truths.

When good tools go bad

I noticed this pattern years ago while running a workshop on difficult conversations for a group of senior executives. As they got into role-playing exercises, almost everyone was beginning their sentences with "I feel like you..." which was immediately followed by some pretty scathing judgments.

"I feel like you're not taking this seriously." "I feel like you never follow through." "I feel like you don't respect my time."

I stopped the exercise and asked a simple question: "What exactly are you feeling right now? Name the emotion."

The room went silent. Puzzled faces stared back at me.

The damage of disguised judgments

Using these disguised judgments creates several problems:

1. They still trigger defensiveness – The other person can still hear the accusation, just with an "I feel" tacked on the front.

2. They avoid vulnerability – Sharing true emotions requires vulnerability. Disguised judgments let you skip that uncomfortable part.

3. They block connection – Genuine emotions invite empathy and understanding. Judgments, even disguised ones, create distance.

4. They're harder to respond to – If I share that I'm feeling anxious, you can empathize. If I say "I feel like you're trying to undermine me," where do we go from there?

The fix: get genuinely emotional

The solution isn't to abandon "I" statements – it's to use them properly by actually naming your emotions.

Try this format instead: "When [objective observation], I feel [emotion], because [my need/value]."

For example: "When the report wasn't in my inbox this morning, I felt anxious because meeting the client deadline is important to me."

Notice there's:

• No accusation of intent

• A clear emotion (anxious)

• An explanation of why it matters to you

This approach requires more emotional intelligence and vulnerability, but it's dramatically more effective.

The advanced move: separate observation from evaluation

The most skilled communicators can distinguish between:

1. Observations: What a video camera would record

2. Feelings: Your emotional response

3. Needs/Values: What's important to you

4. Requests: What specific action would help

The calmest person wins in difficult conversations. And the person who can separate their observations from their evaluations usually remains the calmest.

Even experts get it wrong

A colleague of mine – someone who teaches communication skills for a living – recently shared a humbling story with me.

She was mediating a particularly tense executive team meeting where progress had stalled. Frustrated, she blurted out, "I feel like this team isn't really committed to making any changes."

The CEO looked her straight in the eye and said, "That's not a feeling. That's your judgment about us. What are you actually feeling right now?"

After a moment of awkward silence, she admitted, "I'm feeling frustrated and a bit discouraged."

"That makes sense," the CEO replied. "We can work with that. Tell us more."

The conversation shifted completely, and they made more progress in the next hour than they had all day.

Sometimes even communication coaches need coaching.

Want to transform your difficult conversations?

Learning to communicate with genuine "I" statements rather than disguised judgments doesn't just change your conversations – it changes your relationships.

If you'd like to learn more about effective communication techniques that actually work in high-stakes situations, reach out. I run workshops and coaching programs specifically designed to help leaders have the conversations they've been avoiding.

Contact me to get on the wait list for my next program and hear about early bird promotions.

What's a conversation you've been avoiding that might benefit from this approach?

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