From reactive to relaxed: Why practicing calm changes everything
I’ve just learned to surf. When I first tried twenty years ago, I bought a surfboard went to the nearest ocean., threw it in the water and expected to stand on the board.
Uh-huh.
I failed and continued to fail for about 20 years, because I skipped an important element – practice.
Mastering the art of not letting chaos master you.
So, at my last birthday - I bought a surf lesson pass. Fifteen lessons later I can get up on the board and (almost) steer.
While I’ve succeeded at learning to surf that I seem to be still failing at my temper: losing my sheet and another driver yesterday.
The surf school is out near Tullamarine airport in Melbourne. Yesterday on the way out there an Uber driver tailgated me on the freeway and then got abusive.
Enraged, I screamed back and gave him the finger (I was right and he was wrong ;-))
now I don’t mind getting angry back at him – what do mine is a logo triggered and lost choice.
As I say when I teach my emotional intelligence program “The calmest person wins“
I come back from the surf lesson wonderfully relaxed and it got me reflecting: despite one of my clear goals being to stay calm and polite even when others aren’t - I’d failed.
How come I I’ve learned to surf - but haven’t been able to learn to manage my triggers. What is the difference?
Practice.
I practiced surfing. I never practice keeping my cool in the face of stress.
In every other sphere of our life, we expect to become competent only after repeated practice. Whether it’s practice at becoming a good leader, writing code or playing sport - we expect that we’ll become competent by repeated practice.
So why do we expect that doesn’t apply when it comes to our emotions?
Why do we think that when stuff up a difficult conversation we’ll just “do it better next time”? It’s magical thinking.
I think the reason is that we don’t know how to rehearse not getting triggered.
After all, what do you do? Expose yourself to a bully? Pick a fight with a bikie gang? Stand on a clifftop? All while rehearsing staying calm? There are big downsides if you get it wrong.
But there is a way - it’s what the Navy Seals use to stay calm under fire:
1. mental rehearsal
2. positive self-talk
3. arousal control
4. goal setting
If it works for them can work for you.
Despite the incident with the Uber driver recently - I have actually vastly improved my ability to stay calm, focused and productive from where I was just a few years and even a few months ago.
Author just enjoying the calm blue ocean.
I can now walk into a stage and give a speech with almost no nerves, handle aggression at work and stay calm - and respond with kindness even in the midst of conflict, (though clearly I have a way to go with road rage).
So, what are you going to do? Will you continue to believe you will be more resilient, manage the stress better, and have more power under pressure - just by relying on hope? Or are you going to deliberately learn this vital skill?
If you like my tip sheet or to get onto my list for early bird specials and dates for my next program “The calmest person wins: How to handle difficult conversations and challenging situations“ drop me a message.
#CalmestPersonWins #EmotionalIntelligence #Resilience #CrisPopp